Learning to Trust – After you have been dumped

Learning to Trust – After you have been dumped

Are you wounded from feeling like you’ve been “discarded”?  Most importantly—would you like to get over the feeling of being dumped and get on with your life?  Of course you would!
There is only one sure way to put yourself back together better than you have ever been before. Learning to trust again starts with learning to trust yourself.
First, however, you have to realize this fact: you can’t be dumped.  Nor can you be rejected, thrown away, or abandoned.  You may have put yourself in places or situations where you believed this was happening to you, but basically, you can’t be dumped unless you choose to perceive your breakup that way.
Start with these reflections: 
Remember that any information a date or partner gives you that seems to be negative is actually important for you to know.  Why?  Because you don’t want to be with someone who says or acts like they don’t want to be with you.  This is how you take care of your heart.
Forget clinging.  If someone wants to leave, your journey is not in how to get her back.  Your journey is how to get yourself back.  Let this experience be your wakeup call to pay attention—and let your personal value in.
Let go of the projection.  You may have thought she was “IT”.  But as the relationship unfolded, you may have also begun to realize that the mutuality of commitment, your vision for the future, or your core values were polar opposites.  This is important information to absorb.  You haven’t been dumped…you have been set free from someone who was not meant to be your life partner.
Trusting again means to trust yourself in walking away when all the signs are there that this relationship won’t work for you.
 
7 Steps to Recovery
Doing the right thing… even when you’re scared.
It’s time to pull up the courage—because you need this quality to get over any remaining wounds.  Start taking a dignified stand for what’s important to you in life and being firm about what doesn’t represent who you are.  Choose to honor yourself and your standards of behavior.  Just because everyone else is doing it; just because you’re lonely and tired of braving the world on your own; and just because you think “no one will know” the things you might resort to doing (that you wouldn’t want your grandmother to know about,) those reasons don’t justify rejecting your wise personal voice.  Find your backbone to do the “right” thing for yourself and you’ll find trust.
Taking good care of you.
Be good to you. Everything from managing your finances well to following the rules of good health will boost your confidence.  Having a life you’ve worked hard for and that you’re not willing to throw away for the sake of keeping someone in your life keeps you strong enough to walk away from a relationship that’s not meant to be.
Taking the high road.
When people around you are gossiping or complaining about others, you don’t want to participate in the conversation in order to be liked and accepted.  Trust that you don’t need to sacrifice your loyalties or sense of fairness in order to feel included.  When no one can drag you down to an uncomfortable place where you don’t belong, this makes you feel secure.
Having boundaries.
Know your boundaries.
Having an inner boundary is to know when it’s time: time to get down to work; take a time out so you don’t have a meltdown, or leave a situation when you’re tired and need to rest.  Trust your inner voice that says: don’t cross the line of what’s not healthy for you.
Having an external boundary is the line you draw between you and others that informs them with words and actions that they are not to cross it.  If someone asks a question or favor that is not appropriate, you know how to say no.
Having proactive boundaries means planning ahead and not going places where you are unwelcome, or resented, or in a no-win situation.  When you understand boundaries, you can trust yourself— wherever you are.
Not needing to be the center of attention.
You can’t trust yourself if you are so needy of attention, you’ll do anything to get it.  You can get all the healthy attention you need by being with people who love you, by doing a good job, and by conducting yourself with dignity.  People who are desperate to be in the spotlight are known to make up stories, pick fights, have a lot of drama going on, wail about the unfairness of other people, or say and do things that are loud and offensive. Give yourself the healthy attention you need and you’ll find your trust.
Not needing to be in control.
If you try to orchestrate the conversations, actions, or even thoughts of those around you, your presence will be oppressive.  The only person you can control is yourself.  When you can allow others to be who they are, and allow the fact that you might not want to be there with them, you can walk away with your head high and feeling at peace.
Reminding yourself that you are worthy.
You already know this, but we all need to be reminded: acknowledge your accomplishments everyday.  Give yourself a metaphorical pat on the back for what you’ve achieved.  Remember your willingness to grow, the lessons you’ve learned, and the people who love and believe in you.  It’s all there if you’ll let it in.
When you stay aware of the above and take some actions to strengthen these areas, you won’t have to worry about being “dumped”… or ever trusting someone again… because you’ll know…you can trust yourself.